True Friendships

 

By Jill Briscoe

We can learn from the Bible what strengthens friendships and what kills them. For example, taking offense easily kills friendship. Amy Carmichael, in her little booklet If, says, “If I take offense easily–if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” Again Amy says, “If I do not give a friend the benefit of the doubt but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” And, “If I can hurt another by speaking faithfully without much preparation of spirit and without hurting myself far more than I hurt that other, then I know nothing of Calvary love.”

Good forgivers make good friends too. This is not contradicting what I have said about saying things that need to be said. Remember, “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6, KJV). But when necessary hard things are said, afterward forgiveness is needed to heal the rough edges of those painful conversations. Sometimes we even have to forgive our friends for being faithful friends and telling us the truth!

David had two good friends, Jonathan and Nathan. Jonathan loved David to death. In Jonathan’s eyes, David could do no wrong. We all need that sort of friend. Nathan loved David too. But when David did something wrong, Nathan called him on it! We need a “Nathan” too.

Encouragement isn’t always “soft.” I well remember a great friend of mine listening to my litany of woes and then saying firmly but kindly, “Have a good cry, then wash your face, get up, and get on with it.” It worked. The word “encourage” means to “put courage into.” She surely put it into me!

We also need to be a Jonathan and a Nathan for others, as well as looking for those types of friends for ourselves. In fact, if we try to offer these two elements of friendship we will probably find the real friends we are looking for. In other words, be a friend and you will find a friend!

A friend loves at all times, and it is this element of “Calvary love,” as Amy Carmichael puts it, that helps us listen to our friends’ loving encouragement and act on it. Paul said, “I have you in my heart” (Phil. 1:7) and then proceeded to correct and rebuke his friends. When you know someone loves you and has you in their heart, you can hear their words of correction. It’s called “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15) or sometimes we call it “leveling in love” but when it happens you aren’t “leveled.”

Remember this bit of advice...Real friendship needs to be based on biblical principles, and it also needs to be practical. For example, we can offer words of encouragement but we also need to think of concrete ways to help. It’s more than talk–it’s offering a meal if your friend is sick, a ride in your car if she needs it, help with her kids if she is exhausted and needs a break. Sometimes your help will be verbal. As Ecclesiastes warns, however, there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak” (3:7).

A friend of mine took a risk on our friendship by talking to me about a problem that had arisen. First (she told me afterward), she fasted and prayed about whether to talk to me at all. That is a good start. Second she told me she decided she would not say anything more than she had to say. The old saying, “The less said, the sooner mended” is a very sound principle! My friend did it right, and said it right, and I was pleased to respond to her. What does “Calvary love” mean to you? What are some ways you can make this a reality in your friendships?

LOVE

Since we are approaching Valentine's Day, I thought an article on LOVE would be appropriate! 

Loving Our Enemies the Way God Loves His

Scott Armstrong, Issue Number 9, June 2006

The king of cutthroat, Donald Trump, superintends—no, he rules—a TV show called The Apprentice, a reality television program where young professionals vie to be the last one standing, the grand prize a position in Trump’s company. If you’ve seen the program (or any of many reality shows like it—Survivor, The Bachelor, etc.), you know that when faced with elimination, the competitors can be vicious, each one hoping to persuade “The Don” that the others are weaker and undeserving. In turn, their victims wait to mete out revenge. It is a dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest world.

We live in a kingdom of this world that, at its core, trades on retribution and revenge. Like the Middle East past, present (and undoubtedly future), the “eye for an eye” culture is full of enemies to be pilloried and hated. And though many people want peace, the cost of giving up the right to exact judgment or collect on debts is too great. Proud and wounded hearts simply do not understand how great their own debts of darkness are. Loving an enemy makes no sense in a non-Christian worldview. Enemies are enemies and they deserve judgment for their sins against us, and since there is no implicit trust in a God who will carry out justice, it is up to us to impose it, and to keep the score even.

The Extent of Radical Love

So it is no wonder that Jesus’ audience was incredulous about His teachings on relations with the enemy. In Matthew 5:43-48, as part of His Sermon on the Mount discourse, Jesus says that, contrary to the popular belief of the time—hate your enemies—they should love them instead. In verse 44, he describes one way that we can do that: Pray for them. Luke 6:27-36, a parallel passage, goes further: Don’t just pray; bless them. Give them things they don’t deserve, and generally do good to them. Loving an enemy is not simply a thought in the mind, but an action of the heart that involves godly movement toward an enemy. Jesus is no-holds-barred here, and doesn’t hold back the radical extent of love. No wonder he made so many enemies.

 

Why does Jesus say such radical and unpopular things? “Because, as Bono and B.B. King have both said, “Love came to town.” And it was coming to all sorts of people, including the traditional enemies of the Jews. In the Matthew passage, Jesus tells them to consider the love of the Father, who has mercy on the unrighteous by sending them the life-giving rays of the sun and water for their basic needs. He wants them to see His love for the enemy.

He then challenges His own people. He reminds them that the hated tax collectors are capable of basic love toward those they worked with, and that run-of-the-mill sinners were capable of simple love for fellow sinners. Are they then not much more responsible to love others radically? God’s people, after all, know His abundant and lavish mercy (Luke 6:36).

And what, according to Scripture, might happen if our enemies are loved radically and unexpectedly? They will either have their evil intent and shame exposed (Proverbs 25:22) or they will be become friends (Romans 5:10). When evil encounters love, it must either flee or be transformed.

In the Presence of Our Enemies

New Testament scholar Craig Blomberg says, “The true test of Christianity is how believers treat those whom they are naturally inclined to hate or who mistreat or persecute them.” In other words, loving our enemies is at the core of our faith and our witness.

So do we love our enemies well? If your first thought was, “What enemies?” you may be limiting your definition of an enemy.

Webster says it is “one who feels hatred toward, intends injury to, or opposes the interests of another; a foe.” That may include Osama Bin Laden or a criminal who victimizes you, but from time to time it will be your spouse, child, parent, friend, or co-worker. Where there’s fear, hatred, contempt, unrighteous anger, or a similar feeling, there’s an enemy.

This explains why, when we get cut off on the highway, we angrily call the offending driver a “jerk” or something much worse. When a friend hurts us with words, we relish a good comeback (even if only in our mind). We want to punish people for their sins, to become God’s vigilantes. Giving mercy instead of revenge feels weak to us and doesn’t bring a satisfaction to our bloodthirst. Jesus tells us that our hearts are full of a raging darkness that has nothing in common with following Him.

Why is this so hard? It is because we forget who we are and what we’ve been given. This is Jesus’ point in both the Matthew 5 and Luke 6 passages. When we can no longer see the mercy that’s been given to us, we don’t give mercy to others. (See the parable of the unmerciful servant, in Matthew 18: 21-35.)

This should sober our hearts. We were once the enemies of God, won to Him by His unexpected and radical love toward those pitched in battle against Him! The bottom line is this: When God’s mercy grips our hearts and we are able to see the true depth of our sin, then extending mercy to others—especially those who do us evil—becomes just possible, but desirable. We begin to want for them what was given to us.

Love Must Be Sincere ...

But hold on a second. How do I love an enemy who keeps abusing me? Does turning the other cheek mean I lie down and let myself be stepped on repeatedly?

Indeed. It is one thing to be caught off guard by an enemy’s attacks, but quite another to be in regular relationship with someone who seeks your harm.

Author Dan Allender defines a true offer of love to enemies: “Love can be defined as the free gift that voluntarily cancels the debt in order to free the debtor to become what he might be if he experiences the joy of restoration.” It is a gift, but a gift can be refused. And if it is refused, there can be no restoration.

The love Jesus refers to must be genuine and bold. Romans 12:9 states, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what it good.”

Love is Not Indifference

“Turn the other cheek” does not mean that Christians should simply allow enemies to routinely abuse them. We teach fellow Christians to “forgive and forget,” telling them that when they are sinned against, it is their responsibility to offer forgiveness and move on, even when the abuser (enemy) remains unrepentant.

But Scripture clearly teaches that forgiveness and restoration only come to those who desire it. Not confronting an enemy who is full of unrighteousness is not love—it is indifference. Jesus’ command to love our enemies meant caring for them, and that requires us to move in close enough to invite a relationship that is built on mercy and care. In all situations, we should offer an enemy mercy which, Allender points out, necessarily means that we must “revoke revenge.” The goal is always to bring about healthy shame that causes repentance (Proverbs 25:22).

Allender states that, “Bold love is a commitment to do whatever it takes (apart from sin) to bring health (salvation) to the abuser.” There cannot be true love without a hunger for justice, and doing good for the enemy may not always feel good to the enemy.

This can mean setting up appropriate boundaries that protect a person from future abuse; it may mean asking God to bring the enemy a “severe mercy” that would cause them enough pain and grief to bring them to spiritual surrender; or possibly even cutting off a relationship that is destructive as a way of saying, “I will stop pretending we have a relationship until you repent of your wickedness.” The difference between revenge and love, then, is not the absence of pain or conflict, it is one of motivation and desire—the former desires to get even and leave a person in destruction, the latter revokes revenge in favor of bringing about restoration.

No two situations are the same. Some require more passive confrontation (not responding to an attack other than to offer forgiveness), while others will require a bolder form of love (perhaps cutting off a relationship to expose an enemy for the purpose of repentance). In each case, though, our response must be predicated by a desire to love rather than to seek retribution or revenge, which belong to God only—this is the whole of His teachings.

The World’s Experience of Our Love

“That is all fine and such,” a skeptic says, “but talk is cheap—Christians don’t really practice this.”

As my wife, daughter, and I plant a church in an urban area, we encounter neighbors who wish they were in a “blue state,” are highly interested in spirituality, and some of whom are homosexuals and have adopted children. Others display tattoos and piercings, and quite a few of them have a strong and distinct opinion about “born-again” Christians: we are bigoted, narrow-minded, hate-filled, war-mongering hypocrites with a poor track record for love of the “other,” especially those opposed to our faith.

Is this caricature of believers correct? Sometimes, absolutely. And so the Church of Jesus occasionally makes unnecessary enemies and responds poorly to true enemies of the faith.

And yet, more often than not, I know that love of an “enemy” is often either ignored or overlooked by a world wanting to avoid the lordship of Christ. I have seen an international church community persecuted to the point of death in places like China, the Sudan, Indonesia, and India, respond with mercy and forgiveness toward their tormentors. It seems that we are to come with open hands to our enemies and ask for forgiveness for the times we have failed to love them.

And then, even our failure affirms the grace and mercy of a God who continues to love us.

Scott Armstrong is a pastor currently planting a church in the historic city neighborhood of Candler Park in Atlanta, Ga. He lives there with his wife, Kerstin, and daughter, Karis.

Tomorrow is the start of a new year - new beginnings - new habits - new attitudes.  Praise God!

For Christmas my husband, Paul, gave me a wonderful little book titled Amish Prayers compiled by Beverly Lewis.  These prayers come from the German prayer book Die Ernsthafte Christenpflicht printed in 1708 and have now been translated into English.

My 'new beginning' - 'new habit' - 'new attitude' is to use this blog to bring you these wonderful prayers so you, too, can pray them with me.   What could be better in this fallen world than for us to raise our voices together to praise the God who created us, loves us and saved us from ourselves.  I hope you will bookmark my blog and pray in unison to our great and mighty God. 

Amen 

Friendship

So many times we meet another Christian and we are blown away.  They are everything WE want to be - or so we think.  They may be cheerful all the time (or so we think); always polite (or so we think); fluent in the Word (or so we think); free of sinful behavior (or so we think); accepting of all (or so we think).  You get the drift.  And maybe there are a few Christians out there that come close to this.  Perhaps they have been on their journey a long time and perhaps God has done a great work in them.  But most of the time it's our own imagination that has created their greatness.  And so we try hard to be just like them.  We want to be their best friend in order to mimic everything about them.  Until something happens that brings them tumbling off that pedestal we put them up on.  And our own world crumbles a little or a lot on that day. But the point I want to make is that the opposite can be true, too.  While we are so busy racing with others to be around those who are admired by all, we often ignore and push aside those who need our friendship even more.  The less admired, the less "worthy" in our minds.  The ones who are hurting, lost, confused, shunned.

Instead of admiring the "perfect Christians" and trying so hard to be like them, let us admire and mimic the One who IS perfect.  The One who will NEVER let us down or topple off His throne.  And remember how he loved ALL his brothers and sisters the same.  Were they all different?  Absolutely.  And did one of them, in our opinion, deserve less love and friendship?  Most likely.  Yet, as Max Lucado illustrates below, Jesus was his friend to the end.  Now that is an example to follow. 

Jesus Betrayed by Judas

by Max Lucado

When betrayal comes, what do you do? Get out? Get angry? Get even? You have to deal with it some way. Let’s see how Jesus dealt with it.

Begin by noticing how Jesus saw Judas. “Jesus answered, ‘Friend, do what you came to do.’ ” (Matthew 26:50)

Of all the names I would have chosen for Judas it would not have been “friend.” What Judas did to Jesus was grossly unfair. There is no indication that Jesus ever mistreated Judas. There is no clue that Judas was ever left out or neglected. When, during the Last Supper, Jesus told the disciples that his betrayer sat at the table, they didn’t turn to one another and whisper, “It’s Judas. Jesus told us he would do this.”

They didn’t whisper it because Jesus never said it. He had known it. He had known what Judas would do, but he treated the betrayer as if he were faithful.

It’s even more unfair when you consider the betrayal was Judas’s idea. The religious leaders didn’t seek him, Judas sought them. “What will you pay me for giving Jesus to you?” he asked. (Matthew 26:15) The betrayal would have been more palatable had Judas been propositioned by the leaders, but he wasn’t. He propositioned them.

And Judas’s method … again, why did it have to be a kiss? (Matthew 26: 48–49)

And why did he have to call him “Teacher”? (Matthew 26:49) That’s a title of respect. The incongruity of his words, deeds, and actions—I wouldn’t have called Judas “friend.”

But that is exactly what Jesus called him. Why? Jesus could see something we can’t...

Jesus knew Judas had been seduced by a powerful foe. He was aware of the wiles of Satan’s whispers (he had just heard them himself). He knew how hard it was for Judas to do what was right.

He didn’t justify what Judas did. He didn’t minimize the deed. Nor did he release Judas from his choice. But he did look eye to eye with his betrayer and try to understand.

As long as you hate your enemy, a jail door is closed and a prisoner is taken. But when you try to understand and release your foe from your hatred, then the prisoner is released and that prisoner is you.