8 Signs of True Repentance

October 4, 2019 | Jennifer Greenberg

“I’m sorry,” I remember my dad saying. “I’m sorry, and I love you.”
He didn’t say what he was sorry for. He didn’t mention the hand-shaped bruises aching up and down my small 11-year-old body. He didn’t seem to understand how afraid and devastated I’d been. But that was the first time I’d ever heard my dad say sorry, and the relief it brought felt like rain after a drought.
In the back of my mind, a little voice said, Don’t trust this. He’s only apologizing because Mom threatened to tell Pastor Jim if he didn’t. I shoved that voice down. I smothered my doubts. I had prayed for so long that Dad would change. I had tried to be a good daughter who reminded him of Jesus.
His apology, however vague, was hope and a sign that God was working. Or was it?
Cruelty of False Repentance
Around a decade would pass before I’d hear my dad apologize again. Initially, I didn’t assume sincerity. By that time, I’d already blown the whistle. I’d told our pastor everything. Dad was under church discipline. His marriage was imploding. He had nothing to gain by lying, did he?
And then something strange happened. As I began sharing my story with pastors, family, and friends, my dad would admit and apologize for things he’d done, but then weeks or even days later, claim he didn’t remember any of it. He’d say he didn’t recall beating me, throwing me down on the stairs, or even his recent apologies for those events. He didn’t remember his sexual comments, throwing a knife at me, or threatening to shoot me. He’d apologize, then retract. Remember, then claim to forget. Back and forth this went for maybe a year, until I felt like I was losing my mind.
“I don’t know what to think,” I told him over the phone one day. Huddled on the kitchen floor, I spoke between sobs. “I can believe either you’re crazy and didn’t know what you were doing, or you’re evil and you understood completely.”
“I’m not crazy,” he replied calmly. “You’re just going to have to accept that I’m evil.”

Analyzing Repentance
I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with unrepentant people: multiple abusers spanning two decades of child abuse, domestic violence, and sexual abuse. All of this was reinforced and compounded by psychological abuse, which continued well into my 30s. Because of my background, I’ve accrued some practical wisdom. Because of my faith, I’ve turned to the Bible for guidance when distinguishing real from fake repentance.
There are stubborn sinners who refuse to apologize, liars who claim to be sorry when they’re not, and hypocrites who may truly believe they’re sorry yet lack sympathy or understanding of biblical repentance. So what are the attributes of genuine repentance? Here are eight signs I’ve gleaned, from life and from God’s Word.

1. A Repentant Person Is Appalled by Sin
Horrified by what they’ve done, they’ll humble themselves, grieve the pain they’ve caused, and be cut to the heart in their conviction. As the prophet mourned in Isaiah 6:5, “Woe to me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips.”

2. They Make Amends
In Luke 19:1–10, we read the story of Zacchaeus and the generosity he demonstrated as part of his repentance. A tax collector, thief, and oppressor of God’s people, Zacchaeus made amends: “Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor. And if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (v. 8). And Jesus confirmed the authenticity of Zacchaeus’s repentance: “Today salvation has come to this house” (v. 9).

3. They Accept Consequences
A genuinely repentant person will accept consequences. These may include losing the trust of others, relinquishing a position of authority, or submitting to worldly authorities such as law enforcement. When the thief on the cross repented, he said to his companion, “Do you not fear God? . . . We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve” (Luke 23:40–41). And Jesus commended his repentance by assuring him of his salvation: “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise” (Luke 23:43).

4. They Don’t Expect or Demand Forgiveness
Often I’ve been told by my abuser, “If you don’t forgive me, God won’t forgive you.” But this threatening posture indicates insincere repentance. It’s unloving, manipulative, and implies the offender doesn’t accept or comprehend the gravity of what they’ve done. When Jacob approached Esau and repented, he didn’t expect mercy, let alone compassion. In Genesis 32, we read he felt “great fear” and “distress” (v. 7). He anticipated an attack (v. 11) and considered himself unworthy of kindness (v. 10). In fact, so certain was Jacob of retribution that he separated his wives, children, and servants from him, lest Esau’s anger fall on them too.

5. They Feel the Depth of the Pain They’ve Caused
A repentant person won’t try to minimize, downplay, or excuse what they’ve done. They won’t point to all their good works as if those actions somehow outweigh or cancel out the bad. They’ll view even their “righteous acts” as “filthy rags” (Isa. 64:6). They won’t shame the offended party for being hurt or angry. They won’t blame their victims or other people for making them sin. Rather, they’ll take responsibility, acknowledge the damage they’ve done, and express remorse.

6. They Change Their Behavior
A truly repentant person will realize they need God to sanctify their heart. They’ll proactively work to change their behavior and take steps to avoid sin and temptation. That may mean seeing a counselor, going to rehab, or asking friends, pastors, or law enforcement to give them oversight and hold them accountable. Consider the stark contrast between the church persecutor Saul before salvation and after. Acts 9 tells us that even though some Christians were understandably hesitant to trust him, his character had already altered dramatically.

7. They Grant Space to Heal
The fruit of the Spirit includes patience, kindness, grace, and self-control (Gal. 5:22–23). A truly repentant person will demonstrate these consistently. They won’t feel entitled to trust or acceptance; rather, they’ll be humble, unassuming, and willing to sacrifice their own wants and needs for the benefit of the injured party. They won’t pressure us to hurry up and “get over it” or “move on.” Rather, they’ll understand our distrust, acknowledge our grief, and honor the boundaries we’ve requested.
As an abuser, they loved their sin more than they loved you. As a repentant sinner, they should love you more than their sin and pride.
As an abuser, they loved their sin more than they loved you. As a repentant sinner, they should love you more than their sin and pride.

8. They’re Awestruck by Forgiveness
If a person feels entitled to forgiveness, they don’t value forgiveness. When Jacob received Esau’s forgiveness, he was so astounded he wept: “To see your face is like seeing the face of God, for you have received me favorably” (Gen. 30:10). Jacob realized that forgiveness is divine miracle, a picture of the Messiah, and a sign of the Lord’s mercy. Though Jacob and Esau hadn’t spoken for 40 years, Jacob knew God had enabled Esau, by grace, to forgive him.
Repentance and Forgiveness Are from God
When these eight signs of repentance are authentically present, we are blessed. Our offender has forsaken evil, and the God of peace is glorified. But what do we do when these signs are not present? What do we do when someone lies about being sorry to avoid consequences, or uses our goodwill as an opportunity to hurt us again?
For more than three decades, I begged God to call my abusive dad to repentance. Instead, like Pharaoh, his heart only hardened. His pretenses at change turned out to be a strategy he used to enable his wickedness. My own love and trust were weaponized to betray me.
Eventually, I had to accept that my dad didn’t want to get better. And no matter how much I loved him and wanted him to repent, change, be a good dad, love me, and love Jesus, salvation is God’s work, and I couldn’t fix my dad. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for a person is to not let them hurt us any longer.


Jennifer Greenberg is an author, recording artist, and church pianist. She belongs to The Haven OPC in Long Island, New York. She recently published her debut book, Not Forsaken: A Story of Life After Abuse: How Faith Brought One Woman From Victim to Survivor (The Good Book Co., 2019). Her writings combine experience with the gospel of hope to help victims, survivors, and those who walk alongside them. Jennifer is married to her best friend, Jason, and they have three daughters: Elowyn, Leianor, and Gwynevere. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and her website.

The Bolt from the Blue

By Elizabeth Prata

SYNOPSIS

A young man on his honeymoon in Florida was tragically struck by lightning, highlighting the unpredictability of death. The piece reflects on the inevitability of mortality and emphasizes the importance of preparing spiritually for death through repentance and faith in Jesus. Life’s fleeting nature calls for persistent devotion to God.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every matter under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2).

From Fox news: “Very sad update: A 29-year-old Colorado man, visiting Florida on his honeymoon with his new wife, was tragically killed by lightning on New Smyrna Beach. The storm was located 6–8 miles inland, and conditions at the beach were partly sunny when he was struck while standing in ankle-deep water. It was what’s known as a “bolt from the blue.”

Death didn’t concern me when I was younger. ‘All that’ (not daring even to say it’s name) seemed so far away. It won’t happen to me yet was my never-voiced thought. But wasn’t it Elbert Hubbard in 1900 who said “Do not take life too seriously—you will never get out of it alive.” Death is a fact and people die suddenly, instantaneously, and in strange ways, said Adrian Rogers, in a sermon I heard 20 years ago and never forgot. “The Day Death Died“.

The grass withers, the flower fades,
When the breath of the LORD blows upon it;
Surely the people are grass. (Isaiah 40:7).

Death can come at any time. It’s not only the elderly, the stage 4 cancer patient, an Alzheimer’s grandfather who pass on. Sometimes death takes its sweet time arriving. Other times it comes as a bolt from the blue.

This young couple had their lives in front of them. Not even 30 yet. Just married mere days before. Their happiness was as sunny as the skies overhead. Yet death came. It arrived and left quickly, striking down the happy man and causing untold pain for those he loved still staring in shock.

The man was no doubt happy at the moment he met eternity. Yet happiness is no insulator from death. For those with a dread diagnosis, sadness, melancholy, and resignation to the inevitable are part of their life from that moment on. The tunnel if life is narrowing with each passing day. They see it coming. But the happy man, looking to the boundless ocean, seeing it as it is- a great bowl of infinite possibilities, endless waves of joy, never saw his end coming. Perhaps he was thinking about he children he and his new wife would have. Or perhaps thinking of their future together as a united couple, growing old together, not even knowing that their growing old would only be minutes long.

“I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die…(John 11:25-26a)

There are two points. One is that Jesus left his proper place in glory to pour Himself into human flesh, live a perfect life, and die agonizingly and unjustly so he could absorb and exhaust all of Gods wrath for sin. This act of holy and inexpressible sacrifice opened the door to heaven for sinners, if they repent and go through Jesus.

Secondly, HAVE you repented and trusted Jesus as Lord and Savior? He prepared for His duty in the Incarnation every day. He taught, prayed, obeyed God, waited for His time, and died. What are you doing to prepare for the inevitable death that will come? As we have seen, it may not be far off. Or it may be far off and you must be patient to see the Savior. Either way, preparing by first repenting unto salvation is critical. Then, our chief duty in this life “is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever” says the Westminster Shorter Catechism. Prepare for our eventual reuniting with Him by diligently seeking His face so as to grow in His likeness.

Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, be firm, immovable, always excelling in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 15:58).

Always working for the Lord. Always, constantly. Don’t sleep, drift, waver, or stumble.

Finally, brothers, rejoice! Aim for perfect harmony, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11)

Gift of Discernment

 

Below is an excellent explanation of the gift of discernment by Elizabeth Prata. For those who have been given this particular gift by the Holy Spirit, it is often a difficult road to travel. Many in the Church do not want to hear their cries of false teaching or inaccurate exposition, so they claim the discerner is judgmental or false themselves.  Often there is a smear campaign to discourage and/or thwart any attempt in the future to exercise this gift. And finally, some gifts are held in higher esteem over other gifts in the Church. This is unfortunate, as ALL gifts are necessary and given out by the Holy Spirit to edify, encourage and grow a healthy body in Christ. 

Understanding Spiritual Gifts: The Role of Discernment

Posted on May 6, 2025

By Elizabeth Prata

SYNOPSIS

A reader had asked me a question, my response focuses on the significance of the spiritual gift of discernment within the church. This gift helps identify and warn against false teachers, which is crucial given the prevalence of false doctrine in the New Testament. A by-product of training one’s self in discernment is that the Christian values the word of God even more. All believers should cultivate discernment, recognizing the balance between vetting teachers and focusing on Jesus.

Question from reader: “What scripture or “spiritual gift” guides us to warn the sisters about false teachers?“

The fact of the Spiritual gift: Some in the faith have been given the spiritual gift of “discerning of spirits.” Some translations say “distinguishing of spirits.” This is embedded in the list of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12:4-11.

Not all spiritual gifts are contained in the lists given in the Bible. The lists can be found in 1 Corinthians 12:4-11, Romans 12:3-8, Ephesians 4-11 (which is actually a list of offices, not gifts).

GotQuestions: Is there as Spiritual Gifts list?

“Judge not”

Matthew 7:1 is one of the most familiar passages of Scripture, but it is also one of the most misunderstood and misapplied verses in the Bible. The Bible does not prohibit judgment; it warns against hypocritical judgment. Throughout the Bible, righteous judgment—or discernment—is encouraged and even commanded. Many Christians argue that judgment is divisive among believers. But discernment doesn’t divide—false teaching does. Discernment, righteous judgment, and church discipline are ultimately acts of love, seeking repentance and restoration and protecting the unity of the body of Christ. ~Todd Friel & Justin Peters, source “Thou Shalt Judge” study guide, Fortis Institute. (a digital resource offered for free as of this writing).

The purpose of the spiritual gift: The reason some have been given this spiritual gift is to be a smoke alarm for the local body, an early warning system as it were. ALL spiritual gifts are to be employed for the good of the church and the glory of God. Discerners are to use their gift of discernment to warn others so that false doctrine does not creep in. False doctrine is deadly. It’s “leaven” that pollutes the whole loaf, and that means it pollutes the whole church and those individuals within it.

Did you know that every New Testament book except Philemon warns of false doctrine or false teachers? Many of these same passages outline the impact of falsity has on the church. It is a HUGE issue. It is something the New Testament does not ignore, and we should not either. So the Spirit installed discerners to help keep His church pure.

Discerners do not have extra sensory perception, nor direct revelations from God. They just know the Word so well, they can spot a counterfeit at 100 paces. It would insult the Spirit to have been given the gift of discernment by Him but to remain silent and not use it. Jesus rebuked the church at Thyatira in Revelation 2, for knowing the metaphorical Jezebel was teaching falsely but did nothing about it.

Discernment for the layman: Though some do not possess the specific spiritual gift of discernment, ALL people in the faith are to work at honing their discernment. Hebrews 5:13-14 expects the believer to train in discernment. Acts 17:11 tells us all to be like the noble Bereans who consulted the word to compare whether what they were hearing was true or false. 1 John 4:1 tells us to test the spirits to see if they are from God.

So even if a person does not have the gift, they are to be working at being discerning themselves, anyway.

Calling out the false: The folks that feel they possess the gift, or are pastors or teachers in charge of the sheep, have a DUTY to warn. Jude speaks to this, in just one of many examples. Jude 1:22 speaks of snatching some from the fire. Matthew 7:15 says to “beware” of false prophets that come in like hungry wolves. Beware is an action, we must be on guard. And many other verses…

Mainly it is the duty of the leaders of a church, the laymen with the gift who warn, or “call out”. But in a sense, we are all to be on guard and if we see a friend falling into false teaching, the fellow layman is not to stand idly by. If you see someone having a picnic on the railroad tracks and the train is coming, you’d warn them even though you’re not a train conductor or a railroad worker, right? If it’s an obvious false teaching your friend is falling into danger with, you go to them.

So if one person who is more mature than another (Heb 5:14) sees that their friend is about to be devoured by a wolf, or led astray, or headed to a shipwreck (all allusions in the NT for what happens to the undiscerning), is it loving to look away, go home, and pray? Yes, prayer is effective (James 5:16). But paired with a warning, it is even more effective.

A note: Public error can be corrected publicly, by anyone.

Discernment Police: The person who chides the discerner for calling out a false teacher or a false teaching is usually one who likes their idols. They should be concerned with their own walk and its purity and holiness. Though I rarely receive this kind of reply, the reply I’d love to see is this:

“Oh no, you say So and So is false? Please tell me more. I want to honor Jesus with all my might, and would be crushed to think I am polluting my faith by being unwary. Help me understand.”

THAT is the answer we all hope to get, SHOULD get, because Jesus is more important than anything.

People have too soft of an attitude toward false teachers and false doctrine. The serpent deceived Eve with one question. He tried to bamboozle JESUS of all people, tempting him with the word of God itself. The concern for all of us should be holiness and purity of our walk, training in discernment, and being so knowledgeable of the word that we are immersed in truth for our armor.

Romans 16:17, 1 Corinthians 5:11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6, 14; 2 Timothy 3:5; 2 John 10 in some form or fashion tell us to mark and avoid the false teachers. These are commands. We cannot mark nor avoid if we do not know who they are. We should thank discerners for helping us to do this.

WHY are there so many warnings about false doctrine in the New Testament? Because it’s important! And because we are all easily deceived: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” 1 Corinthians 10:12.

Balance: Now it is true that some people get so consumed with discernment that they wind up looking for the dirt rather than focusing on Jesus. They are imbalanced, spending too much time on discernment and not enough in the word and other spiritual activities. Discerners like that give the spiritual gift a bad name. Balance and moderation is key.

Proverbs 11:30, The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.

Thinking Deeply for God’s Sake

 

by Alastair Begg Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything 2 Timothy 2:7 It is not unusual—in fact, it’s quite common—for Christian faith to be regarded as a kind of illogical belief in improbable events. For some, faith is seen as a crutch to prop up less rational people as they navigate life’s challenges. Such critics may be surprised to learn that in reality, Christianity calls its followers not to neglect their minds but to critically engage them. When we read the Bible, we discover that it never invites us simply to feel things; it never attempts merely to sweep us up in an emotional surge. God never once asks for or endorses the disengagement of our thinking processes. Instead, God’s word repeatedly shows us that Christianity is actually a call to think rightly and deeply about God, His world, and our place in it. When the apostle Paul addressed the Ephesians, we read that he was “reasoning daily in the hall of Tyrannus,” which was likely a school for philosophy or rhetoric (Acts 19:9). Paul wasn’t just singing songs or attempting to stir up some emotional experience. No, he essentially said, Citizens of Ephesus, I want you to think and reason with me today. In Thessalonica, too, Acts tells us that Paul “reasoned” with the people, “explaining and proving that it was necessary for the Christ to suffer and to rise from the dead” (17:2-3). The book of Isaiah begins with a similar call to think earnestly: “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD” (Isaiah 1:18). This exhortation to think and reason isn’t just for proclaiming the gospel but for growth in Christian maturity too. Writing to the Corinthians, Paul said, “Brothers, do not be children in your thinking” (1 Corinthians 14:20). He wanted the church to think intently and intensely about the issues they were facing. Paul was even more direct when he wrote to Timothy: “Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.” We do need God’s Spirit to be at work in order to think rightly (Luke 24:45; 1 Corinthians 12:3), for our intellects are as affected by sin as every other part of ourselves (Ephesians 4:17). But it is as we expend mental energy to consider the wisdom of the Scriptures that God will give us greater and greater understanding. To follow Christ, then, is not to take a step of blind faith into the darkness but to have your eyes opened to the light of rigorous truth. It will take a lifetime—and more!—to unearth the riches of the truth you encounter in God’s word about His Son, but one thing is sure: today, as every day, God wants you to love Him and honor Him with all your mind.

True Friendships

 

By Jill Briscoe

We can learn from the Bible what strengthens friendships and what kills them. For example, taking offense easily kills friendship. Amy Carmichael, in her little booklet If, says, “If I take offense easily–if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” Again Amy says, “If I do not give a friend the benefit of the doubt but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” And, “If I can hurt another by speaking faithfully without much preparation of spirit and without hurting myself far more than I hurt that other, then I know nothing of Calvary love.”

Good forgivers make good friends too. This is not contradicting what I have said about saying things that need to be said. Remember, “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6, KJV). But when necessary hard things are said, afterward forgiveness is needed to heal the rough edges of those painful conversations. Sometimes we even have to forgive our friends for being faithful friends and telling us the truth!

David had two good friends, Jonathan and Nathan. Jonathan loved David to death. In Jonathan’s eyes, David could do no wrong. We all need that sort of friend. Nathan loved David too. But when David did something wrong, Nathan called him on it! We need a “Nathan” too.

Encouragement isn’t always “soft.” I well remember a great friend of mine listening to my litany of woes and then saying firmly but kindly, “Have a good cry, then wash your face, get up, and get on with it.” It worked. The word “encourage” means to “put courage into.” She surely put it into me!

We also need to be a Jonathan and a Nathan for others, as well as looking for those types of friends for ourselves. In fact, if we try to offer these two elements of friendship we will probably find the real friends we are looking for. In other words, be a friend and you will find a friend!

A friend loves at all times, and it is this element of “Calvary love,” as Amy Carmichael puts it, that helps us listen to our friends’ loving encouragement and act on it. Paul said, “I have you in my heart” (Phil. 1:7) and then proceeded to correct and rebuke his friends. When you know someone loves you and has you in their heart, you can hear their words of correction. It’s called “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15) or sometimes we call it “leveling in love” but when it happens you aren’t “leveled.”

Remember this bit of advice...Real friendship needs to be based on biblical principles, and it also needs to be practical. For example, we can offer words of encouragement but we also need to think of concrete ways to help. It’s more than talk–it’s offering a meal if your friend is sick, a ride in your car if she needs it, help with her kids if she is exhausted and needs a break. Sometimes your help will be verbal. As Ecclesiastes warns, however, there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak” (3:7).

A friend of mine took a risk on our friendship by talking to me about a problem that had arisen. First (she told me afterward), she fasted and prayed about whether to talk to me at all. That is a good start. Second she told me she decided she would not say anything more than she had to say. The old saying, “The less said, the sooner mended” is a very sound principle! My friend did it right, and said it right, and I was pleased to respond to her. What does “Calvary love” mean to you? What are some ways you can make this a reality in your friendships?