Are you living for the Lord or for yourself? Perhaps that is too general a
question, so let me be more specific. Is there anything God is asking of you
that you are withholding from Him? Is there any point of contention between you
and Him? Not till every controversy is settled and the Holy Spirit is given His
full place can He reproduce the life of Christ in any believer.
An American friend, now with the Lord, whose name we will call Paul,
cherished the hope from his early youth that one day he would be called "Dr.
Paul." When he was quite a little chap he began to dream of the day when he
would enter the university, and he imagined himself first studying for his M.A.
degree and then for his Ph.D. Then at length the glad day would arrive when all
would greet him as "Dr. Paul."
The Lord saved him and called him to preach, and before long he became pastor
of a large congregation. By that time he had his degree and was studying for his
doctorate, but, despite splendid progress in his studies and a good measure of
success as a pastor, he was a very dissatisfied man. He was a Christian
minister, but his life was not Christ-like; he had the Spirit of God within him,
but he did not enjoy the Spirit's presence or experience His power. He thought
to himself, "I am a preacher of the Gospel and the pastor of a church. I tell my
people they should love the Word of God, but I do not really love it myself. I
exhort them to pray, but I myself have little inclination to pray. I tell them
to live a holy life, but my own life is not holy. I warn them not to love the
world, and, though outwardly I shun it, yet in my heart I myself still love it
dearly." In his distress he cried to the Lord to cause him to know the power of
the indwelling Spirit, but though he prayed and prayed for months, no answer
came. Then he fasted, and asked the Lord to show him any hindrance there might
be in his life. That answer was not long in coming, and it was this: "I long
that you should know the power of My Spirit, but your heart is set on something
that I do not wish you to have. You have yielded to Me all but one thing, and
that one thing you are holding to yourself - your Ph.D." Well, to you or me it
might be of little consequence whether we were addressed as plain "Mr. Paul" or
as "Dr. Paul," but to him it was his very life. He had dreamed of it from
childhood, and labored for it all through his youth, and now the thing he prized
above all else was almost within his grasp. In two short months it would be
his.
So he reasoned with the Lord in this wise: "Is there any harm for me to be a
Doctor of Philosophy? Will it not bring much more glory to Your name to have a
Dr. Paul preaching the Gospel than a plain Mr. Paul?" But God does not change
His mind, and all Mr. Paul's sound reasoning did not alter the Lord's word to
him. Every time he prayed about the matter he got the same answer. Then,
reasoning having failed, he resorted to bargaining with the Lord. He promised to
go here or there, to do this or that, if only the Lord would allow him to have
his doctor's degree; but still the Lord did not change. And all the while Mr.
Paul was becoming more and more hungry to know the fullness of the Spirit. This
state of affairs continued to within two days of his final examination.
It was Saturday, and Mr. Paul settled down to prepare his sermon for the
following day, but, study as he would, he could get no message. The ambition of
a lifetime was just within reach of realization, but God made it clear that he
must choose between the power he could sway through a doctor's degree and the
power of God's Spirit swaying his life. That evening he yielded. "Lord," he
said, "I am willing to be plain Mr. Paul all my days, but I want to know the
power of the Holy Ghost in my life."
He rose from his knees, and wrote a letter to his examiners asking to be
excused from the examination on the Monday, and giving his reason. He retired,
very happy, but not conscious of any unusual experience. Next morning he told
his congregation that for the first time in six years he had no sermon to
preach, and explained how it came about. The Lord blessed that testimony more
abundantly than any of his well-prepared sermons, and from that time God owned
him in an altogether new way. From that day he knew separation from the world,
no longer merely as an outward thing but as a deep inward reality, and as a
result, the blessedness of the Spirit's presence and power became his daily
experience.
God is waiting for a settlement of all our controversies with him. With Mr.
Paul it was a question of his doctor's degree, but with us it may be something
quite different. Our complete surrender of ourselves to the Lord generally
hinges upon some one particular thing, and God waits for that one thing. He must
have it, for He must have our all. I was greatly impressed by something a great
national leader wrote in his autobiography: "I want nothing for myself; I want
everything for my country." If a man can be willing that his country should have
everything and he himself nothing, cannot we say to our God: "Lord, I want
nothing for myself; I want all for You. I will what You will, and
I want to have nothing outside Your will." Not until we take the place of a
servant can He take His place as Lord. He is not calling us to devote ourselves
to His cause; He is asking us to yield ourselves unconditionally to His will.
Are you prepared for that?
Watchman Nee, The Normal Christian Life